Thank You

Dear Baby Waider + Little Brother Too,

You will mostly likely remember the morning of 2/21/19. It was the morning that we lost our dear Mia after being our faithful family dog for 14 years. I often turn to writing to help me stop a tape from playing over and over in my mind. I show I'm old because I said "tape" and you don't even know what that is. I keep reliving the last few hours of Mia's life. Most likely because I am afraid if I don't keep playing it over and over I will forget it. Maybe my mind is trying to find a way to change the outcome. If I think about it long enough it'll change and maybe Mia will still be here. Does that sound crazy? I am sure it does. It's about to sound a whole lot crazier. Wednesday afternoon was much like any other afternoon. We stayed at school and worked a bit then came home. The strange part was that Mia wasn't inside when we got home. She was outside. She was laying in the snow and when I tried to get her in she just stayed out there. I thought it was strange but carried on with preparing dinner and getting all the things done for the evening routine. It seemed odd to not have her in the kitchen watching my every move while I cooked and while we ate. But she just wasn't there. She finally came in right before you two went to bed, but  she was trembling on the couch and seemed cold. During bath time she asked to go out again which was actually the most normal thing she did all night. She typically was a constant movement from going in and out and out and in several times an hour. She usually didn't stay out very long. It was slightly warmer outside so I thought that might be why she was outside so much. Once the two of you went to bed I headed outside to find her. She was panting and shaking in a corner of the backyard laying in the snow. :( When I walked over to her I knew it was grim. I tried to get her inside the house, but she wasn't moving. I went and got her some water and tried to get her up. Naturally, I had to go and get dad because if Mia doesn't want to move she isn't going to move. He got her up and helped her get inside. She made it to the chaise and was still trembling pretty badly. Not really knowing what to do I went to google. It became apparent that Mia was showing some end of life signs, but it said these can last for several hours or even days...I assumed she was at the beginning of a very long journey until we had to say goodbye or force a goodbye. Boy was I wrong...

I remember when I was in labor with Baby Waider. I was scared and didn't know what to do. I was alone because it was the middle of the night and dad was asleep. Then, Mia got up and climbed up on the couch and sat with me. I suddenly wasn't alone. I was googling things and I was determining that in fact this baby was trying to come out. No matter how scared I was Mia was right there beside me refusing to leave. She was so loyal and such a good companion. 

I decided that night as she was trembling and unable to sleep that I was going to pay it forward and give her the same comfort that she gave me while I was in labor. I read online that a dying dog may want space so I tried to leave her and come and check in. She was having more and more trouble breathing. I tried to convince her to have some ice cubes or pain meds. She wanted none of it and that was the only time she moved was to  turn her head away from the ice and dog treats. I was pretty sure that things were headed downhill. Out of nowhere for the first time in months the stupid OWL came back with his haunting hoot. It was a premonition to me that our dog was not long for this earth because that damn owl was outside taunting me, warning me. 

The owl was right. Mia waited for both dad and I to get up the next morning. It was about 5:45. Right as dad bent down to check on her Mia took her final breaths. It was devastatingly peaceful. The tragic end to our beautiful friendship. I wished more than anything at that very moment that I could will Mia back to life. 

During the night I briefly comforted Mia each time I got up to check on her or calm her when she was coughing too hard or when she was having a hard time breathing. I said many things to Mia during the night. Mostly that I loved her-we all loved her and it was okay for her to go. The one thing I didn't say that night was probably what I needed to say the most. Thank you. So here it is. My thank you note to the best dog we'll ever know. 

Dear Mia, 

Where do I even begin? You know you meant the world to all of us. There wasn't a day that went by that I wasn't grateful for you. You were a ray of sunshine in each day. 

Thank you for always loving me even when I wasn't so lovable. Thank you for making me get out and walk. No matter what. Especially during younger days and thank you for not letting us be sedentary during your older years because of your constant need to go in and out. I still keep waiting to hear you scratch on the door to be let in or let out. I keep waiting to hear you clomp your way up the ramp. 

Thank you for always making us laugh. Whether it was when you would lay down with a hurummmf that simultaneously sounded like a bag of bones hitting the ground or sneaking food off of the table your disposition was second to none. I always said you could have been a sitcom dog because you were so funny and obedient. You did so many funny things. The most recent being one night two weeks ago when you decided you weren't going to sleep at 2AM. I let you out into the subzero weather and you were actually frolicking in the snow! Running around and having the time of your life. It was not so funny when I had to go out and remind you that you needed to come in. You brought us so much JOY.

Thank you for your compassion. It didn't matter if it was a kitten or a baby you were a gentle giant. You never nipped at my babies and the only time you got after the kittens were when then went after your bone. 

Thank you for your protection. You had an amazing presence  People were often intimidated by your size. If they weren't, your bark was enough to warn anyone to keep their distance. I never felt unsafe on a walk or a hike with you by my side or by the stroller. As long as you were with us I never felt unsafe in the house. 

Thank you for waking me up each morning. I know I wasn't always kind when you would come and breathe heavily in my face, but the past three mornings you haven't done this have made me wake up feeling alone and broken-hearted. I have no idea how to start my day without you there. You were who I shared my morning coffee with, usually while I let you in and out. Everyone was asleep and we would just chill. 

Thank you for living long enough to show my kids what an amazing family dog should be like. Thank you for loving my babies and letting them torment you. 

Thank you for dying at home. I've been telling you for the past year that We've been good to you so don't you make us make a decision about you dying. I hope it didn't offend you when we'd play sleeping or dead. Sometimes you did look like you were dead when you were sleeping. My hope for you was that we would wake up one day and you would look asleep, but you would be dead. It wasn't too far off. Adam got up and you were still struggling. He bent down to be with you and see what was going on. You took your last breath. After that you were gone. Thank you for making the decision to leave on your own because that's a decision I never wanted to make for you. Further proof that you were the most loyal dog we could have asked for. You actually waited for both of us to be able to say goodbye. I just wish in those last moments I would have said, "Thank you. Thank you for being more than I ever deserved." I love you Mia and you will always be in my heart. 

Love, 

Your Dogmom