It's Like Rain on Mother's Day

Dear Baby Waider + Little Brother Too,

Arguably one of the biggest events of 2022 for you will be the event of Cousin Lauryn's Wedding. I know it will be something you remember because I still vividly remember Super Aunt Becky's wedding in 1990?ish when I was the same age you were at Lauryn's, Baby Waider. As the rhyme goes first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That's been the past couple of years with Cousin Lauryn. This Mother's Day she is very pregnant and ready to become a mom. Today it hit me rather hard that this blessed event is impending. Super Aunt Becky is about to be a Grandma, Super Uncle Joe a Grandpa, and Cousin Lauryn a MOM.

I'm guessing it hit me today because it is Mother's Day. Last week, Baby Waider and I went on a bitchin' bike ride and made the plan to go riding in the Badlands for Mother's Day. I've been itchin' for an adventure so this was perfect. I planned to see Grandma Halter on Saturday and started to arrange my trip to the Badlands. Why the Badlands? Every time I suggest going there everyone says, "No." So Mother's Day is the perfect day to make your family do what they don't want to do. I woke up this morning with a migraine, a throbbing toe, and pouring rain. The Badlands did not feel like even a remote possibility. We had a magical morning at home instead. When it finally stopped raining I stepped outside a bit to try to see if it would help my migraine and throbbing toe.

Right when I stepped outside it was like I was transferred back 24 years. It reminded me of Mother's Day when I was just 20 years old. I had just moved from Spearfish, SD to the Blue Bell Lodge near Custer, SD. I was working the breakfast buffet that day. It might have been one of my first days at work. I had a light blue polo and was super excited to be working as a waitress. I remember that my Grandma came with your Grandma and Grandpa Halter. It had to have been one of her last Mother's Days. She was happily clutching a baby. Maybe it was Cousin Brook? I honestly can't remember who the baby was. It was 1998. My memory from that time is...sketchy. What I do remember from that day aside from my grandma holding a baby is that the weather was almost exactly the same as Mother's Day 2023. Rainy, cool, and dreary. You're probably wondering why I would write a blog about a day I only vaguely remember. Well, I'll tell you.

I

Blue Bell Lodge. It is a different color than it was in 1998. I was serving brunch in the White Buffalo Room which was next to the Lodge. 

I had randomly texted Cousin Lauryn the night before to chat with her about life in general and her being pregnant and teaching. It really took me back to a time in my life before the two of you were with me. I remembered thinking about how exciting it was to be waiting to have a baby. So much anticipation and excitement. With that, however, comes the crushing notion that having a newborn can be so hard. Don't get me wrong. Having a baby is awesome. It's also challenging. Sort of like being a waitress. When I was knee-deep in having two babies at once I often drew upon my experiences as a waitress to get me through some of those more difficult times. As I breathed in the chilly rainy air on Mother's Day it occurred to me that I should really pass all of this wisdom onto Cousin Lauryn...or at least the two of you for... someday. I've always said that it should be mandatory that you do a job in the restaurant business sometime before entering the real world. The amount of experience I gained from being a waitress is invaluable. 

Lessons Learned from Being a Waitress:

1. You will live and die by prep work. Don't prep your stations before the evening rush? You will be behind, miserable, and lost for the entire night. You will not make as many tips had you been more efficient and prepared. Fail to prep with an infant? You will suffer a similar fate. You won't miss out on tips, but you will miss out on general joy. Don't have diapers, wipes, Desitin, or formula ready to roll you will be lost. Run out of something and you inevitably will need it. Make sure you have it ready and on hand. 

2. When in the weeds you can only get out by accomplishing one thing at a time. "In the weeds" in restaurant speak means you are busier than you thought possible, but then you're still expected to take care of everything. You are swamped, but then you get an 8 top sat and it is yours. Your appetizers are up, but also you have a table that needs wine service. Someone is demanding a refill of Coke, but the cook just yelled, "Order up!" 

I used to longingly think about being in the weeds at a restaurant when I was in the weeds with a bawling Baby Waider. I would walk the halls and bounce with her shushing and bouncing while Mia judgingly looked on wondering how I had failed so badly at child-rearing. It seemed like you never had a fussy baby when the house was clean. The house is always destroyed. It is overwhelming. The dishwasher needs to be unloaded. You will have to load it three times to catch up on all of the dirty dishes. You haven't eaten, showered, or slept in what seems like months and your spouse is living the same experience. Baby Waider was a fussy baby and I spent a lot of time in the weeds during that time. Did I mention that you handle all of this in-the-weeds business is done with limited sleep? I remember one time being in the weeds with Little Brother, a few weeks old, and Baby Waider not yet two. Little Brother had been crying for a long time and we were trying to get him figured out, fed, changed, or whatever he needed. We lost track of Baby Waider for a moment who decided to take a bath, in her Halloween Costume, with a glowstick, and a stuffed animal. I had no idea how I was going to get out of that mess. 

Honestly, being in the weeds with kids isn't much different from being in the weeds as a waitress. First, you have to know that it will not last forever. You will get the baby to sleep, you will feed the customers, and the dinner rush does not last forever. You will eventually get to go back to prepping, rolling silverware, picking up the piles of toys, or rocking a sleeping baby. The tough times don't last forever. One plate at a time you'll get the food out and send the customers home full. With babies, I would view it the same way. Does this child need a diaper change? Bottle? To walk and bounce? Swaddle? Tackle it one thing at a time. Don't get too frazzled and keep your mind on one thing at a time while taking note of what is coming up immediately next. Also, see number 1. Being in the weeds is much easier when you have your stations prepped. 

3. Smiling through it all will help. No one likes to hear "smile" when they are swamped, overwhelmed, or frustrated. In fact, telling someone to smile can ultimately lead to the exact opposite effect. I found that when I was waitressing if I was grouchy and busy I did not make nearly as many tips as when I was cheerful and busy. The same goes for parenting. When the going gets rough try to be the calm in the storm. Try to smile. It makes others much more willing to help and be understanding. I am not sure I ever made a crying baby stop crying by smiling, but I definitely felt better. I wouldn't always smile. Sometimes I would laugh. Mostly at the dog because she was always judging me. Having a sense of humor always helps. 

4. Ask for help. As much as I hate to sometimes you HAVE to ask for help. You might need to have another server bring out your food. Maybe you ask them to bring water to your table. You might have to ask the host or hostess to take a drink order. The same is true when you have an infant. I was very fortunate to have a village around me when I had babies. Dad was fantastic. He was always willing to bounce and walk when I needed to tap out. He would sing and walk and coax and do anything and everything for a sad baby. He knew I had to do all of the feedings so he did his best to keep other things situated. When I had Little Brother he was a life saver with the very busy Baby Waider. Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie, and the Webers were so helpful all the time. I had to utilize that help sometimes so that I could in turn be a better mom. 

5. You have to do your closing work. When you finish a shift the dining room is a disaster. Sort of like the house with an infant. You will want to walk away and not do the cleaning at the end of the shift. This is tempting, but make sure you do a quick run-through at the end of the night. At the restaurant, you vacuum, wash tables, roll silverware, restock, and get everything ready for the opening crew. Spoiler alert. When you are a mom you are the closing and opening crew. Do yourself a favor and load/run the dishwasher before bed. Make the rounds in the living room and make sure toys are put away. You will be grateful to wake up to having those things done. 

6. You can't please everyone. When I was a waitress I had customers who were less than awesome. Some people are miserable no matter what you do for them. Some of them are miserable because you are having an off day and they are calling you on it. No matter the reason sometimes when you are momming no matter what you do you will have a crabby/sad baby. Sometimes you will be crabby/sad and not be at your best. Give yourself and your child some grace. You will get through it and see number 2. 

7. Keep the schedule. Do not short-change the schedule. If someone calls sick it can mean sudden death for the rest of the servers. It is so hard to make up for one component missing. Sort of like if you get an infant off schedule. Dad and I used to joke that having an infant is similar to having a Mogwai. Make one wrong move and you have a Gremlin. Don't mess with the sleep schedule or feeding schedule or you will pay.  

7. As your babies grow your jobs will change. Sort of like when you get out of waitressing and go into a different career. Children become less demanding as they get older. Gone are the days of getting up in the middle of the night. You won't have to have bottles cleaned and prepped. You won't physically be their food source. You will get more sleep and your life doesn't revolve around them. Slowly they join you in your activities. You will long for those moments of walking the halls with a crying baby just because they still fit in your arms. You will miss the endless number of feedings and the delight of a baby drifting off to sleep in a milk coma. Just like the dinner rush infants don't last forever. It's so challenging, yet so rewarding. Sort of like having a really busy night and making BANK in tips.

I was only a server during college and after my first year of teaching. Waitressing was so rewarding for me. It was like taking care of people and being immediately rewarded with money. It taught me to be a problem-solver, to think on my feet, to be patient, and to work hard. I think the same can be true of being a mom. It was much harder than being a server, but it is also so much more rewarding. Sometimes I fantasize about becoming a waitress again. The idea of making cash every single day still speaks to me! Plus I love to talk to strangers and give them travel tips and advice.

So, in the spirit of advice, I would tell Cousin Lauryn that she is in for so much joy. You will love your baby more than you thought you could love anything else in your life. During the first few months, you will inevitably feel so overwhelmed that you don't know which way is up. Ask for help and do your best. Any of us can fly down there in a jiffy. Joel will have your back and be a fantastic calming force with the baby. Draw upon the HOURS upon HOURS upon HOURS of experience you have with the children of your cousins. You know what you are doing. Relax and enjoy. You've got this. From someone who wasn't totally sold on having a baby, I can tell you that hands-down it's the best decision I've made. The days are long, but the years are short. The memories are priceless.

Remember what I told you about having a baby. If they offer you drugs you say, "YES." This isn't middle school where you just say no.  During childbirth, it is the exact opposite. Just say yes. I'm so excited for you, Joel, and your new baby girl.

That's how I ended up writing about being a mom/waitress on a rainy Mother's Day that reminded me of a rainy Mother's Day I couldn't quite remember. I think one big takeaway from the memory of my grandma so many years ago was that no matter how old you get you're ALWAYS going to be down to hold a baby.

Love, 

Mom  

Kee-FAH Part 2

Dear Little Brother, 

It is highly unlikely that you will ever forget the 2020-2021 school year. One, I debated if I even wanted to send you to school. Two, when you went to school much of the time was spent initially in masks, rows, and doing extreme hand-washing. Three, you had one of the BEST teachers I know. 

Maybe you won't remember, but dad I and I spent lots of time deliberating if we should send you to school or hunker down for the year. I was worried about sending my little babies into a germ-infested school and unsure what would happen if either of you got sick. You seemed relatively healthy, but I was still very concerned. I had lined up another gig even and had considered not going back into the classroom...I was seriously not into the thought of working in and being in a school during a PANDEMIC. I was also seriously fearful that Covid would result in an annoying flip-flop from 

I don't like the germiness of working in a school/classroom during a good year. Something that was always in the back of my head anytime I considered not going back was you and Baby Waider's teachers. You were in the BEST classrooms and I just wasn't sure I could sacrifice that year for either of you out of the fear of the unknown. Also, I felt like homeschooling was a real challenge for you. I could tell that you missed the social aspects of school and I was definitely not qualified to be your teacher. 

It was a phone call to Mr. Dschaak that solidified my decision. I've worked for him for a long time and we aren't afraid to ask each other hard questions. He asked me a question that stopped me dead in my tracks, "Are you going to do everything you can do to keep your students safe?" That seemed like a ridiculous question. Of course, I was! That's what I spent nearly all of my time thinking about over the entire summer of 2020. After I answered he said, "Don't you think that Mr. Kieffer and Mrs. Weber will do the exact same thing?" He was right. I had to trust your teachers to do the best that they could do to keep you safe. We decided to send you to school and in the end I feel like it was by far the best decision for our family.  

It was not surprising that you thrived with Mr. Kieffer. You loved absolutely everything about him and would explain in great detail everything that you did at school. Not only were you in his class, but Kitt and Frank also were in there with you. You loved to play soccer, read books, listen to Mr. Kieffer read books, and you also loved to do any sort of math. 

You thought that "Mr. Kieffer did a lot of things fun and that he was funny." That's a direct quote from you. I've said it before when Baby Waider had Mr. Kieffer and I'll say it again. He's got the magical touch that just makes him a special teacher. He's nearly always the favorite teacher when kids are asked even years later. It's not surprising because I like to be around him too. 

I am forever grateful that I took the leap of faith that was sending you to Kieffer's class for the 2020-2021 school year. You had the best time and learned so much. 

Love, 

Mom 

P.S. When you had Mr. Kieffer you had both of your counsins in class with you. I think it was fun for you and...memorable for Mr. Kieffer. 

The Show Must Go On

Dear Baby Waider + Little Brother Too,

Whenever I set out to write a blog I always regret that I haven't written more recently. This is true today because my last published post was in 2021... So much happens and we're busy people so I just need to be grateful for what I am able to get done. 

This morning I am a few weeks past arguably one of my greatest accomplishments. The greatness of this event was compounded because FINALLY, I got to share my passion with you, Baby Waider. "It's a Madhouse" started out as just a play, but resulted in a fantastic production. While reflecting on how awesome it was I am so grateful that you had such a role in this achievement.

I most likely made my directing debut sometime during the late '80s. Grandma Halter would tell you that I put on numerous weddings, plays, and dances. I started out with many different versions of "The Wizard of Oz." My obsession with that movie was next level. I wanted to BE Dorothy. I directed and starred in many shows. I might be biased, but looking back I would say those shows were terrific.

As time marched on I was obsessed with being in the Missoula Children's Theater Plays, a part of a few community theater plays, and then when I was in high school I was a part of multiple plays. I loved to be IN plays. The acting was fun. I was always cast as the villain, grouch, or tough character because of my voice and attitude. Go figure. While I loved acting in plays I was always captivated by the directors. During Missoula Children's Theater weeklong sessions, I can still remember the feedback and teaching that the directors did. They were so amazing. I was young when I did the plays, but I remember being in absolute awe by how we were able to pull together a show in 5 days. Fantastic shows. 

When I was a senior in high school I was able to take Drama II. I was excited. Going to a Catholic school we did not have the options for electives like other high school students so this was a special treat. My coursework was demanding and this was a welcomed break during a grueling year of AP classes. Mrs. Reed taught the class.  One of the most influential people in my life is probably Mrs. Reed. She was terrifying in all the best ways.  She got shit done and didn't take shit from anyone. Much less a bunch of goofy high school seniors. She told us that part of Drama II was going to be learning how to direct. This prospect was exciting to me. I have always had the gift/curse of believing I can do anything. I'll watch something and think to myself I can do that. I had directed multiple versions of "The Wizard of Oz," so this would not be difficult for me.

It wasn't difficult for me. When I read a script I could visualize every character and their every move. While I hated blocking then, and still hate blocking now it is the slow and monotonous process that brings a show to life. I learned how to take notes and blocking from the script and making just a tad better. She taught me the value of giving confidence but always finding something to work on. She was a veteran director and actor having worked many seasons at the Black Hills Playhouse. I am forever grateful for my time with her. She never told me I was a natural director, but when I got my final grade for the first semester she told me it was not a surprise that I directed an excellent play. She did also tell me (in a firm and direct way) that when you direct a play it is not common to cast yourself as the lead...You live and learn.

Mrs. Reed taught so much that year. She had an eye for theater. Every character on stage was always on point. She taught me the importance of there being no small parts only small actors. Every person on the stage helps tell the story. If one actor is out of character it takes the believability out of the entire scene. She gave me a passion for theater because it is something that humanity has done since the beginning of time. Entertaining audiences with a live performance is special. It is something that is not duplicated. You may have a recording, but it is not the same as it was in that theater. Actors on stage memorized their lines and practiced the show to the point of performing it flawlessly in front of hundreds of people. They're so exposed on stage. Any error made is permanent. There are no redos. It's exhausting, terrifying, and an incredible rush. When audiences leave a good performance they have just received the gift of watching fellow humans give them a part of themselves and their craft. 

When I student taught I remember being at a planning meeting with my cooperating teacher and the fourth-grade team. They uttered a sigh that I only understand now that I am a 20+ year veteran of the profession. They were tasked with the responsibility of putting on a character trait play for the whole school. They really seemed disgusted at having to plan this. While 21 year-old me did not understand their disgust (who doesn't love to put on a show?) I most definitely get their disgust now. One more thing to think about. I gave them an incredible gift. I told them I'd handle the character trait performance. Remember, I think I can do anything? There were some raised eyebrows and undeniably some skeptical scoffing, but I was used to that. I went home and wrote my own version of nothing else, but "The Wizard of Oz." I decided to conduct auditions and rehearse daily after school for a month or two." I quickly learned that one Dorothy was too much for fourth-graders I divided the role and had twins who ended up in Oz teaching kids about one of the character traits. I'm pretty sure that I am the only writer/director to have Dorothy played by both a Dorothy and a Don. The play was a screaming success. 

I continued to do a yearly play with every class that I taught. As I said it was my passion. When I moved to a much larger school 8 years later they were evaluating the budget and decided to get rid of Missoula Children's Theater plays because of the cost. I, again, volunteered to put on a show. Do a play with K-6 grades? No problem. Remember my, "I can do that" attitude? Sometimes it bites me in the butt. Again, I did a rendition of "The Wizard of Oz." There is just something about the ruby slippers I cannot shake. It was a smashing success. Those poor kids performed for a dinner theater 4 times. Once during a raging blizzard. Dad made videos and sold them, we had t-shirts. It was FANTASTIC. Everyone did a terrific job and I am still so proud of that show. I now teach with one of my student directors from that show and the main characters are all grown up and out of college. 

Then, I got pregnant...I knew I did not have the energy or bandwidth to put on a show. My whole heart and soul go into a show. I couldn't do that exhausted and barely surviving. (I was a VERY dramatic pregnant lady.) I decided to retire from directing plays in 2011. My retirement was not announced and to my knowledge, no one really even noticed I stopped doing plays. I had pretty much continuously done plays for 12 years. I was so focused on surviving motherhood so I didn't miss it at all. My parents and your dad had never missed a show, but they too had a new focus now. Children give you permission to immerse yourself in something that is not yourself. I would not have taken on something that pulled me away from the baby/toddler versions of you for any amount of money or excitement. 

As they say, in the blink of an eye you both grew up. Baby Waider was in 4th grade and Little Brother was in 2nd grade. Mrs. Johnson, our assistant principal last year, approached me and said that she wasn't going to be the director of the Stagebarn Middle School play anymore because she was too busy. How she got my name, I can't remember. I wanted to immediately say no. I have two kids, two jobs, and am way too busy to add something else. Something made me pause. That something? Getting to show the two of you my REAL passion. What if I can direct you two in a play? I talked it over with Dad and we decided to take the plunge. I say we because Dad is really immersed in the play as much as anyone. He helps me sort and organize the audition rubrics. He's a sounding board for struggles and difficulties. He picks up all the slack at home. He cooks dinner and drives you two to all the places. He comes to all of my performances and videos. So when I said I wanted to bust out of retirement he was supportive. 

Last year was pretty magical. Despite getting covid. Not having directed a play for 11 years it was clunky at first. Rehearsals were tough. Middle schoolers didn't like me as much as elementary kids, and what was worse they didn't like anything really. :( It was a steep learning curve. I am forever grateful to my high school directors. Tabatha and Ashlyn helped so much and completely ran production which is something I had no clue about. The show was a success. The first performance wasn't just good, it was excellent. That exhilarating feeling was back. As I left the stage the last night of the show I remember saying, only 10 more months until we get to do this again. Only this time I was DEMANDING that I get an assistant. I did get my assistant and your aunt, Katie accepted the challenge. Her theater knowledge was limited, but she did help me with multiple plays. I'm not sure how I did the play last year without her. 

Turns out 10 months fly by. While I had covid and was directing the play last year I also got to do interviews for a 2nd-grade position at our school. Miss OB, as you both call her, mentioned something about coaching and I revealed that I was the drama coach at SMS. Somehow once she was hired she conveyed to me that she wanted to help me with the play. I was reluctant... I am a CONTROL freak and most of the time I can't find someone to match my level of intensity or crazy or see the importance of my overall vision. Miss OB matched that and so much more. Turns out we're even crazier together!

So we had Auntie taking on the lead with production and Selfridge helping her out. Two highly organized planners against two people flying by the seat of their pants. We were ready to take on the world. This play was a humungous undertaking. The cast was 40 actors at a minimum and we extended it to 55 students. We had a production team of around 25. Auditions were grueling. There were so many strong actors and actresses that it was really hard to cast the roles. I am forever grateful that it was four minds working together because we could not have done a better job casting this show. Auntie also held me accountable for making sure that production had a voice and was involved in all aspects of the show. 

The two of you were in your second year of play-watching. Basically, for two hours at the end of your school day, you went to practice at the middle school. I THINK you will look back at this time fondly. Playing with your cousins, binging on Nintendo, playing hide and go seek, and messing around with other teachers' kids. Baby Waider was not involved with the play at all last year. This year you were fully roped into being a major role in producing the play. You read parts for LOTS of sick actors. Sometimes you filled in for as many as 4 characters in one day. You also followed the script to give lines. You recorded new blocking for me and helped people memorize your lines. Sadly, Auntie capitalized on your love for art and snatched you up to work in production. Once you left us for painting you never returned. 

My whole point for coaching drama was so my own children would be a part of the play. I am so grateful that Auntie took you in as a helper in production. You worked hard and had a great time. The older kids took you under their wing and taught you so much. While I didn't get to direct Baby Waider in the play I did get to direct Finn! It was the best. He took on a really fun role and it was so fun to develop his craft. 

The second year was even better than the first. I think it helped that we had FOUR adults plus a few extras the day of the show working together. Grandma Halter came the day of the show where we put the set together and helped get costumes fitted and steamed. Our friend Shelby helped Miss Selfridge with sound and getting what we needed at the Community Center. It was a team effort and it was amazing.  Baby Waider you were in your element helping Auntie decorate the stage and getting everything all set up. Miss OB and I were in our element chewing people out and Miss Selfridge had a blast playing music and doing the sounds. I cannot ever thank everyone for all they did that day for me and the cast. We put on one hell of a show. The actors did a terrific job and it was such an amazing experience. As we cleaned up one of the production students was working with me and he said, "Mrs. Waider I am so sad that this is over." I agreed and reminded him, "We get to do this again in just 10 months. That's no time at all."  

I usually try to talk about what I learned from these experiences I blog about. This is why I've had a hard time finishing. I learned so much. I learned that it is okay to allow people to help. I always think I HAVE to do things on my own. This experience reminded me that sometimes it takes a team to make something big happen. I am so glad that I got an assistant director who was amazing, thank you, Katie, and had two wonderful friends, OB and Selfridge give so much of their time to help out. OB has me beat in character development. It was truly a memorable experience and something I am still so incredibly proud of. Next year I promise I won't be as much of a control freak! I know I was a pain in the ass at times and I am so glad that my friends stayed by my side. Also, surround yourself with good people. Part of being successful is surrounding yourself with people who share your vision and care about you. Without this group of people helping me this production would not have happened. Lastly, I learned that sometimes you just have to laugh. No matter how hard it got we could always laugh. 

Here are some pictures from both performances and a couple from rehearsals. 

Both daughters worked REALLY hard to fill in as directors when I had to go talk to production. 

The pain of blocking. 

Auntie, Trestin, and Selfridge working together. 

Our amazing stage! So much hard work done by production, Auntie, and Baby Waider! The set was breathtaking. 

Final performance before the dress rehearsal! Selfridge got us a mic and it was amazing. Love this pic for so many reasons! This is the last time I saw the performance from the front. What a great group!

Baby Waider getting to put makeup on Finn.

BESTIES!

I LOVE this girl. Miranda you made me so proud.

Whole Cast. Wow! We had so many kids. 

Flowers from Dad and Little Brother. 

Tired, but grateful. 

Baby Waider bowing with production and acknowledging lights and sound.

Auntie had the best idea to bring Kitt and Little Brother up on stage because they worked hard too. 

So thankful that these two showed up in my life! 

Well, looking through the pictures made me UGLY cry. I am so grateful for this experience and for sharing it will you, Baby Waider. It was hard work, but it was so worth it. I am going to end this with a quote to help us remember next year.

"Some people want it to happen. Some wish it would happen. Others make it happen." 

                                - Michael Jordan

Now it's only 8 more months until audition day! :) 

Love, 

Mom