It's Like Rain on Mother's Day

Dear Baby Waider + Little Brother Too,

Arguably one of the biggest events of 2022 for you will be the event of Cousin Lauryn's Wedding. I know it will be something you remember because I still vividly remember Super Aunt Becky's wedding in 1990?ish when I was the same age you were at Lauryn's, Baby Waider. As the rhyme goes first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage. That's been the past couple of years with Cousin Lauryn. This Mother's Day she is very pregnant and ready to become a mom. Today it hit me rather hard that this blessed event is impending. Super Aunt Becky is about to be a Grandma, Super Uncle Joe a Grandpa, and Cousin Lauryn a MOM.

I'm guessing it hit me today because it is Mother's Day. Last week, Baby Waider and I went on a bitchin' bike ride and made the plan to go riding in the Badlands for Mother's Day. I've been itchin' for an adventure so this was perfect. I planned to see Grandma Halter on Saturday and started to arrange my trip to the Badlands. Why the Badlands? Every time I suggest going there everyone says, "No." So Mother's Day is the perfect day to make your family do what they don't want to do. I woke up this morning with a migraine, a throbbing toe, and pouring rain. The Badlands did not feel like even a remote possibility. We had a magical morning at home instead. When it finally stopped raining I stepped outside a bit to try to see if it would help my migraine and throbbing toe.

Right when I stepped outside it was like I was transferred back 24 years. It reminded me of Mother's Day when I was just 20 years old. I had just moved from Spearfish, SD to the Blue Bell Lodge near Custer, SD. I was working the breakfast buffet that day. It might have been one of my first days at work. I had a light blue polo and was super excited to be working as a waitress. I remember that my Grandma came with your Grandma and Grandpa Halter. It had to have been one of her last Mother's Days. She was happily clutching a baby. Maybe it was Cousin Brook? I honestly can't remember who the baby was. It was 1998. My memory from that time is...sketchy. What I do remember from that day aside from my grandma holding a baby is that the weather was almost exactly the same as Mother's Day 2023. Rainy, cool, and dreary. You're probably wondering why I would write a blog about a day I only vaguely remember. Well, I'll tell you.

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Blue Bell Lodge. It is a different color than it was in 1998. I was serving brunch in the White Buffalo Room which was next to the Lodge. 

I had randomly texted Cousin Lauryn the night before to chat with her about life in general and her being pregnant and teaching. It really took me back to a time in my life before the two of you were with me. I remembered thinking about how exciting it was to be waiting to have a baby. So much anticipation and excitement. With that, however, comes the crushing notion that having a newborn can be so hard. Don't get me wrong. Having a baby is awesome. It's also challenging. Sort of like being a waitress. When I was knee-deep in having two babies at once I often drew upon my experiences as a waitress to get me through some of those more difficult times. As I breathed in the chilly rainy air on Mother's Day it occurred to me that I should really pass all of this wisdom onto Cousin Lauryn...or at least the two of you for... someday. I've always said that it should be mandatory that you do a job in the restaurant business sometime before entering the real world. The amount of experience I gained from being a waitress is invaluable. 

Lessons Learned from Being a Waitress:

1. You will live and die by prep work. Don't prep your stations before the evening rush? You will be behind, miserable, and lost for the entire night. You will not make as many tips had you been more efficient and prepared. Fail to prep with an infant? You will suffer a similar fate. You won't miss out on tips, but you will miss out on general joy. Don't have diapers, wipes, Desitin, or formula ready to roll you will be lost. Run out of something and you inevitably will need it. Make sure you have it ready and on hand. 

2. When in the weeds you can only get out by accomplishing one thing at a time. "In the weeds" in restaurant speak means you are busier than you thought possible, but then you're still expected to take care of everything. You are swamped, but then you get an 8 top sat and it is yours. Your appetizers are up, but also you have a table that needs wine service. Someone is demanding a refill of Coke, but the cook just yelled, "Order up!" 

I used to longingly think about being in the weeds at a restaurant when I was in the weeds with a bawling Baby Waider. I would walk the halls and bounce with her shushing and bouncing while Mia judgingly looked on wondering how I had failed so badly at child-rearing. It seemed like you never had a fussy baby when the house was clean. The house is always destroyed. It is overwhelming. The dishwasher needs to be unloaded. You will have to load it three times to catch up on all of the dirty dishes. You haven't eaten, showered, or slept in what seems like months and your spouse is living the same experience. Baby Waider was a fussy baby and I spent a lot of time in the weeds during that time. Did I mention that you handle all of this in-the-weeds business is done with limited sleep? I remember one time being in the weeds with Little Brother, a few weeks old, and Baby Waider not yet two. Little Brother had been crying for a long time and we were trying to get him figured out, fed, changed, or whatever he needed. We lost track of Baby Waider for a moment who decided to take a bath, in her Halloween Costume, with a glowstick, and a stuffed animal. I had no idea how I was going to get out of that mess. 

Honestly, being in the weeds with kids isn't much different from being in the weeds as a waitress. First, you have to know that it will not last forever. You will get the baby to sleep, you will feed the customers, and the dinner rush does not last forever. You will eventually get to go back to prepping, rolling silverware, picking up the piles of toys, or rocking a sleeping baby. The tough times don't last forever. One plate at a time you'll get the food out and send the customers home full. With babies, I would view it the same way. Does this child need a diaper change? Bottle? To walk and bounce? Swaddle? Tackle it one thing at a time. Don't get too frazzled and keep your mind on one thing at a time while taking note of what is coming up immediately next. Also, see number 1. Being in the weeds is much easier when you have your stations prepped. 

3. Smiling through it all will help. No one likes to hear "smile" when they are swamped, overwhelmed, or frustrated. In fact, telling someone to smile can ultimately lead to the exact opposite effect. I found that when I was waitressing if I was grouchy and busy I did not make nearly as many tips as when I was cheerful and busy. The same goes for parenting. When the going gets rough try to be the calm in the storm. Try to smile. It makes others much more willing to help and be understanding. I am not sure I ever made a crying baby stop crying by smiling, but I definitely felt better. I wouldn't always smile. Sometimes I would laugh. Mostly at the dog because she was always judging me. Having a sense of humor always helps. 

4. Ask for help. As much as I hate to sometimes you HAVE to ask for help. You might need to have another server bring out your food. Maybe you ask them to bring water to your table. You might have to ask the host or hostess to take a drink order. The same is true when you have an infant. I was very fortunate to have a village around me when I had babies. Dad was fantastic. He was always willing to bounce and walk when I needed to tap out. He would sing and walk and coax and do anything and everything for a sad baby. He knew I had to do all of the feedings so he did his best to keep other things situated. When I had Little Brother he was a life saver with the very busy Baby Waider. Grandma, Grandpa, Auntie, and the Webers were so helpful all the time. I had to utilize that help sometimes so that I could in turn be a better mom. 

5. You have to do your closing work. When you finish a shift the dining room is a disaster. Sort of like the house with an infant. You will want to walk away and not do the cleaning at the end of the shift. This is tempting, but make sure you do a quick run-through at the end of the night. At the restaurant, you vacuum, wash tables, roll silverware, restock, and get everything ready for the opening crew. Spoiler alert. When you are a mom you are the closing and opening crew. Do yourself a favor and load/run the dishwasher before bed. Make the rounds in the living room and make sure toys are put away. You will be grateful to wake up to having those things done. 

6. You can't please everyone. When I was a waitress I had customers who were less than awesome. Some people are miserable no matter what you do for them. Some of them are miserable because you are having an off day and they are calling you on it. No matter the reason sometimes when you are momming no matter what you do you will have a crabby/sad baby. Sometimes you will be crabby/sad and not be at your best. Give yourself and your child some grace. You will get through it and see number 2. 

7. Keep the schedule. Do not short-change the schedule. If someone calls sick it can mean sudden death for the rest of the servers. It is so hard to make up for one component missing. Sort of like if you get an infant off schedule. Dad and I used to joke that having an infant is similar to having a Mogwai. Make one wrong move and you have a Gremlin. Don't mess with the sleep schedule or feeding schedule or you will pay.  

7. As your babies grow your jobs will change. Sort of like when you get out of waitressing and go into a different career. Children become less demanding as they get older. Gone are the days of getting up in the middle of the night. You won't have to have bottles cleaned and prepped. You won't physically be their food source. You will get more sleep and your life doesn't revolve around them. Slowly they join you in your activities. You will long for those moments of walking the halls with a crying baby just because they still fit in your arms. You will miss the endless number of feedings and the delight of a baby drifting off to sleep in a milk coma. Just like the dinner rush infants don't last forever. It's so challenging, yet so rewarding. Sort of like having a really busy night and making BANK in tips.

I was only a server during college and after my first year of teaching. Waitressing was so rewarding for me. It was like taking care of people and being immediately rewarded with money. It taught me to be a problem-solver, to think on my feet, to be patient, and to work hard. I think the same can be true of being a mom. It was much harder than being a server, but it is also so much more rewarding. Sometimes I fantasize about becoming a waitress again. The idea of making cash every single day still speaks to me! Plus I love to talk to strangers and give them travel tips and advice.

So, in the spirit of advice, I would tell Cousin Lauryn that she is in for so much joy. You will love your baby more than you thought you could love anything else in your life. During the first few months, you will inevitably feel so overwhelmed that you don't know which way is up. Ask for help and do your best. Any of us can fly down there in a jiffy. Joel will have your back and be a fantastic calming force with the baby. Draw upon the HOURS upon HOURS upon HOURS of experience you have with the children of your cousins. You know what you are doing. Relax and enjoy. You've got this. From someone who wasn't totally sold on having a baby, I can tell you that hands-down it's the best decision I've made. The days are long, but the years are short. The memories are priceless.

Remember what I told you about having a baby. If they offer you drugs you say, "YES." This isn't middle school where you just say no.  During childbirth, it is the exact opposite. Just say yes. I'm so excited for you, Joel, and your new baby girl.

That's how I ended up writing about being a mom/waitress on a rainy Mother's Day that reminded me of a rainy Mother's Day I couldn't quite remember. I think one big takeaway from the memory of my grandma so many years ago was that no matter how old you get you're ALWAYS going to be down to hold a baby.

Love, 

Mom