It is Mother's Day 2020. I'm feeling unsettled today. Maybe it's because it is my 756th day of quarantine. Writing is and always has been a wonderful way for me to process and sort out the millions of ideas, thoughts, complaints, and problems floating around in my head. It's like if I put it in writing I don't have to think about it anymore. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about my Grandpa Halter. I wonder what in the WORLD he would think about these crazy times we're living in. He would have been too young to remember the Spanish Flu of 1918. Yesterday, I was doing lots of digging in the backyard helping your dad with a project, and I had LOTS of time to reflect and think about what I would tell my grandpa and it dawned on me. I would have a lot to tell myself a YEAR ago that I would not believe. As I thought even more I realized that the me in 2008 would not even remotely be able to comprehend this crazy. 2008 was pivotal for me. I welcomed my first nephew. I turned 30. Barack Obama was elected the 44th president of the United States. So I decided today to write a letter to my 29 year old self. Blow her mind about what awaits her a mere 12 years later. This idea was not entirely my own and was inspired by several memes and other random social media posts.
5/10/20
Dear Me from 2008,
Hello! I'm sure you're pretty freaked out to be receiving this letter. I mean, maybe not freaked out. Once you actually think about it it will be pretty fitting since you've watched Back to the Future approximately 1,000 times in your life you may not even be that surprised. If you are freaked out, I get it. You love/hate surprises and usually if confronted by someone you assume you are in trouble. While you like to start trouble you don't love to be IN trouble. That remains true 12 years from now. I am here to warn you about the year 2020.
I know you are just 8 days away from being 30 years old. I know you feel old and tired. Let me tell you you don't even begin to know what those two words mean. In just a couple of years you will bear and deliver two of the best kids you've ever met just 23 months apart from each other. Yes, you will have TWO children in diapers. TWO children in daycare. TWO children under the age of TWO. You will make it. You will love it and ultimately be eternally grateful that these two humans exist. But you will be very tired. You will lose sleep. Lots and lots and lots of sleep. You will teach through all of it. Again, you will make it. Your husband, mom, dad, and sister will be invaluable to you during this time. You make it. You are a better person for it. In addition to two of your own children you will also have FOUR amazing nephews and ONE amazing niece. They will endlessly entertain you and be the best of friends for your own children.
Also, I know you're wondering this more than anything. Mia lives to be 14!!! You will lose her in the best possible way February 21, 2019. She dies at home, the same way she lived her life, kindly, peacefully, and with you and Adam. Your heart is brutally broken, but you don't decide when she goes, she does. You will walk her the day before she dies. It's a slow 1 mile walk, but you will vividly remember that walk for months to come.
Ultimately I remember the #1 thing on your mind probably this exact day in 2008. It is the election. Currently, Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are battling it out in the primaries. You recently constructed a snow sculpture that said, "OBAMA" in all caps in your front yard. It was massive. You took a picture of it. Just FYI, that picture will be seen AND signed by Barack Obama himself when you see him speak, from the FRONT row at the Central States Fair Event Center. I shit you not. You will cry because he's so nice. You will also hug him.(See I am YOU in the future. Who else would know this ridiculous story AND know how ridiculously happy it would make you.) You were sold on him before this event, but now he is and forever will be the icon of your time. The leader of the country through your 30s. Hope, inspiration, and fruition of the American Dream. See, where you sit right now you are under what you THINK is the worst president you will ever see. George W. Bush is what you believe to be the epitome of entitled. Born with a silver spoon in his mouth, a corrupt vice president in Dick Chaney, and advised by Donald Rumsfeld. You think we will BARELY make it to the election where we need to vote this mess out of office. You are correct. The Bush years were a crazy times. You saw 9/11, multiple terrorist threats and attacks, and pointless wars where friends and relatives served. Your twenties have been mired by poor policies and government corruptness. You are politically fatigued. What if I tell you that you don't even begin to know politically fatigued?
On June 3, 2008 you will go door to door for Barack Obama in South Dakota. You will not want to go because it is hot and scary to campaign for a Democrat in Meade County. You will go and you will drive a cool old lady to the polls in Piedmont. When you get home (Adam is out of town.) Super will have killed a bunny and left it on the porch. (I should mention that Super is STILL alive. She will require surgeries that you actually pay for, but she LIVES.) You will be annoyed and have to dispose of the bunny, but it's okay. It gets better. Later that night, Barack Obama will announce that he IS the presumptive candidate for president from the Democratic Party. I honestly can't remember if he wins South Dakota or not, but it doesn't ever matter. HE WINS THE NOMINATION. He hosts the most inspiring convention we will see in our lifetime and goes on to win the presidency in 2008. Your efforts make you feel triumphant. Those calls to voters in Ohio and Pennsylvania were not all for nothing. For eight years you religiously follow his every move. You continue, even with small children, to maintain a connection to politics. You watch his children grow and our country flourish. Okay, maybe not flourish, but it's my picture so I can paint it.
2016. You wake up one day to realize that the Barack Obama presidency is not immortal. Your choice of candidate for the Democratic Party is one who you vehemently wanted to defeat 8 years ago. The thought of strongly backing her is nauseating even though you really do like and respect her. You donate $0 to her campaign. A stark contrast to the hundreds you donated to the Obama-Biden ticket. November 2016. I don't even know how to break this to you. The star of the show you love, "The Apprentice," is the nominee of the Republican Party. Initially you might think, "Oh, he's entertaining...That's interesting. Bet he isn't as bad as GW." Okay-you're dead wrong. It's totally gross and terrifying. He's awful, intimidating, a bully pretending to be Christian. It's sad how he amassed followers by being racist, rude, condescending, making fun of people with disabilities, and degrading women. In October of 2016 you are cool, calm, and collected. There is no way that Clinton can lose to this guy. You don't love her, but anyone of sound mind would KNOW that she's the obvious choice. It is your mom talking to your cousin, Brook. She will say the craziest thing you ever heard. She will say, "He's going to win. Clinton does not have the votes. Too many people don't like her." Your mom is right. She does not win. Too many people don't like her. Listen to her. Her warning could help you later process one of the most devastating presidential elections in HISTORY. The Republicans bust out the WORST October surprise. "FBI Dir just informed me, 'The FBI has learned of the existence of emails that appear to be pertinent to the investigation.' Case reopened." Initially, I dismissed this as not a problem. After all, no one would really elect a reality star as their next president...I blogged about how excited I was to take my daughter to vote with me for our FIRST WOMAN PRESIDENT. This was about as excited as I got about Hillary Clinton. I really think my apathetic opinion of her was less about policy and more about her not being Barack Obama.
My sadness for Obama leaving office was > my desire to get Hillary Clinton elected.
If people are being honest I think a lot of people felt the same way. After returning home from voting for Hillary Clinton we cooked dinner and settled in for a fun election night celebration. I blogged candidly about this after this happened. I believe I have and will always have PTSD from this election night. What started out as friendly texting between your Grandma Halter, Cousin Brook, friend Alicia, and Grandpa Marker quickly turned from excitement into shock, disbelief, and devastation. The man who had a 15% chance of winning the presidency 12 hours previously was now the presumptive winner of election night. You will sob and go to bed at 11 PM and wake up to an uncertain future. You will endure a dismal drive to school where you listen to Fire and Rain on repeat the entire way. Pumping yourself up to encounter a group of students who are ecstatic about the presidential election. At that moment you check out of politics for the next three years. Casually checking the news when you think you can handle it. Attend a few protests and rallies. You break up with Chuck Todd and Rachel Maddow. It's just too painful. People who share your views are now called "snowflakes" and "libtards."
I told myself when I started this letter I wouldn't spin out of control warning you about of 2016, but when my mind goes back to that day I just can't help it. I really was so worried about our future. It was scary to have someone taking the lead so untested paired with me having two tiny children with their entire future in front of them.
2020. We make it 3.25 years with our current president. The end is in sight. It looks like a promising crop of candidates for the Democratic ticket. You won't be thrilled with any. After all, Barack Obama isn't on the ticket. One day in March you will go to school. There has been a lot of talk about this deadly virus people in bigger cities have experienced. A few South Dakotans have it, too, but they traveled out of state or country so you're not too worried. Obviously, worrying about a global pandemic is above your pay grade. You plan to teach, wash your hands, and try to find some toilet paper. On March 13 it seems a bit more serious. The Spring Concert at school is cancelled. Seemed like a good idea. There have been rumblings of canceling school. Probably wouldn't be too long if we did. At 9:00 your principal will call your sister's phone. He will tell you all to prepare work for the following week because the governor is going to cancel school. What you don't know is that this means cancelling school. For the whole year. March 13, 2020 is the last day you will spend with your students. You are going to scramble to make copies, put together packets, and provide for ONE WEEK of learning. Do not do this. You can take from 10:00-11:20 to prepare for distance learning. Write the parents a quick note. After lunch, do not put in a movie to entertain the students while you prepare detailed plans for a week of distance learning. Take the time to show the students you love them. This is your 20th class! Help them carefully pack up their belongings and send them home with lots of materials at their level that they can learn with. Make sure the kids you know who don't have enough at home take a little extra. Not doing these things will haunt you every. single. day of quarantine. You will picture desks full of materials they could be using at home just sitting there idle. You will see your classroom library busting with books just sitting there that the kids love and cherish. That afternoon let them to choose their favorite and take it home with them over the break. Hug them. There is a looming pandemic, but give them the hugest hug. You won't regret that and you end up sick anyway. Read them a story and tell them you believe in them. You can later write a letter, but won't ever know if they all got the letter. You won't believe me now because I still don't believe it today, but the last day of face to face teaching of your 20th year will be March 13, 2020.
Distance learning is strange. You have mostly parent contact and see the students maybe one hour per week. You are teaching your own children who are skeptical about your ability to teach and are reluctant to learn differently than their teachers teach. This is not what anyone signed up for, but there are perks. You will get to teach your own kids and spend abundant amount of times with them. As a family you will have some really fun and special times together. You will make the best of it.
The pandemic time in 2020 is a relative disaster. Think of the time in Back to the Future II when Biff is in charge of Hill Valley. That's the best comparison I can make for you at this time. I tell you this as we are only 8 weeks in. I can't imagine what I will have to say about it 8 months in because I do believe we are in for a long haul. You won't see your extended family, except for outside the house or on a Zoom Meeting. Yes, you heard me right. This is a dangerous disease that makes it so you have to maintain social distance (6 feet away) and should not gather in groups of more than 10 people. You will do parades to celebrate birthdays. You will have birthday parties from afar and watch loved ones blow out the candles on their cake from a different table than yours in a completely different house. It's wild, awful, and emotionally draining. You will have Zoom baking lessons with your mom that are actually a blast. Your children will miss their grandparents and cousins more than you could ever imagine. You will miss everything about normal life.
Initially, Americans adopt a loving attitude towards quarantine. "We're all in this together!" "We stay at home to flatten the curve." We love doctors and nurse and they are revered as heroes! The government passes a stimulus to help people who are unemployed due to this confusing and trying time. You STILL don't have yours, but thankfully are still getting paid. "Safe at home" is a quote people live by. The internet is full of people making the best of this situation. What starts as valiant cry of staying home to save lives quickly turns ugly and political.
The most exhausting part of all of this is that you will have people around you who are believe this is a "liberal hoax." Fake. Conspiracy. You will watch as a president and governor completely defy science and refuse to issue stay at home orders. There is no contact tracing and limited testing. We waste 8 weeks with meager regulations that are inconsistent and non-binding. Rapid City has a city ordinance that closes non-essential businesses, but they reverse the ordinance too quickly in my opinion. The reason for not issuing stay at home orders or keeping these orders in place is that some people want the economy to return to normal. Go back to our normal lives.You are going to waste a lot of time thinking about this. It is a waste because it doesn't make any sense. The people who are more worried about the economy than human lives are fundamentally different than you. You will hear people who cry, "There are worst things than death." This implication is that a bad economy is worse than death. Seems like a strange rationalization, but it gets stranger. People DEMAND that things open up. Things like hair salons, nail salons, bars, casinos, restaurants, and bowling alleys. You're probably thinking, after 8 weeks you would have some roots, but thankfully just a year ago YOU WENT GREY AND YOU LIKE IT! Anyway, while it seems like the government should have found a way to keep people at home and pay them to do so they decided to encourage opening back up. You will be able to stay home and teach which will lead to an overwhelming feeling of guilt that you have the choice to stay home and stay safe. Countless others will be forced to choose between staying home and losing unemployment benefits or working through the pandemic in an anemic service industry job. You will see people toting guns to protest states closing down to save lives. You will see selfishness in proportions you never thought imaginable. You will be called "afraid to live" because you keep your family home to slow the spread of the disease. You will feel alienated because you will watch others return to what they deem a "normal" life while tens of thousands of Americans die. You will rationalize that you are not crazy to take this virus seriously when you come to terms with the statistics.
As of 5/5/20 the United States had 1.23 million cases of Covid-19 and 71,855 deaths. 71,855 deaths. That is over 70k families missing one of their members or maybe even more than one of their members. Of those deaths there are 71,855 doctors and nurses who were impacted by these deaths. 71,855 failed attempts to save someone's life. A statistic that makes sense to me is the population of Rapid City. It is 75,443 people. Pretty close right? When I started down this road to make this point I REALLY hoped that South Dakota had a population of 1.23 million. I knew we weren't over 1 million, but I I love numbers so much that I just had to hope. Sadly, the population of SD is only 884,659. About 345,341 shy of 1.23 million. I want you to imagine that this is the population of SD when the Sturgis Rally is happening.(By the way you only work for TWO MORE STURGIS RALLIES and you don't even miss it!) Basically bikers are always coming and going so it is plausible that our population is close to that during that time. Also, today's deaths are a little under our population anyway so it works out. So if you can imagine it is an August day in South Dakota. Everyone here in the state is infected with Covid-19 and the entire city of Rapid City has died from it. TWO MONTHS ago there were just around 100 and some deaths.You will be stunned that as the numbers climb countless people go out to eat, have a drink at the bar, and thank goodness get to go gamble at a casino.
This level of selfishness is disturbingly crazy to me. My first thought goes to the people forced to accommodate this selfish demographic. They are so entitled that they demand to be served during a global pandemic. Selfish and entitled are two types of people that are glaringly present during this crisis. They are uninformed, self-righteous, and making a whole lotta noise. No one is totally honest that they just don't care who dies as long as they aren't inconvenienced. I don't know how 2020 ends. I pray it is with ALL of our family members healthy and safe.
As of 5/5/20 the United States had 1.23 million cases of Covid-19 and 71,855 deaths. 71,855 deaths. That is over 70k families missing one of their members or maybe even more than one of their members. Of those deaths there are 71,855 doctors and nurses who were impacted by these deaths. 71,855 failed attempts to save someone's life. A statistic that makes sense to me is the population of Rapid City. It is 75,443 people. Pretty close right? When I started down this road to make this point I REALLY hoped that South Dakota had a population of 1.23 million. I knew we weren't over 1 million, but I I love numbers so much that I just had to hope. Sadly, the population of SD is only 884,659. About 345,341 shy of 1.23 million. I want you to imagine that this is the population of SD when the Sturgis Rally is happening.(By the way you only work for TWO MORE STURGIS RALLIES and you don't even miss it!) Basically bikers are always coming and going so it is plausible that our population is close to that during that time. Also, today's deaths are a little under our population anyway so it works out. So if you can imagine it is an August day in South Dakota. Everyone here in the state is infected with Covid-19 and the entire city of Rapid City has died from it. TWO MONTHS ago there were just around 100 and some deaths.You will be stunned that as the numbers climb countless people go out to eat, have a drink at the bar, and thank goodness get to go gamble at a casino.
This level of selfishness is disturbingly crazy to me. My first thought goes to the people forced to accommodate this selfish demographic. They are so entitled that they demand to be served during a global pandemic. Selfish and entitled are two types of people that are glaringly present during this crisis. They are uninformed, self-righteous, and making a whole lotta noise. No one is totally honest that they just don't care who dies as long as they aren't inconvenienced. I don't know how 2020 ends. I pray it is with ALL of our family members healthy and safe.
A personal glimmer of hope is that this crisis has reignited your involvement in politics. You are an avid news reader and watching. Checking facts and being as involved as possible. Even listening to city council meetings! I will never be complacent again. Doc Brown would be incredibly disappointed in all of the information I've shared and I hope it did not interfere with the space-time continuum. I guess the reason for writing this is to warn you that 2020 is a straight up shit-show. It will test you in every possible way. You will need to be mindful of teaching two small humans how to navigate a situation with compassion, still have empathy when coming from extreme privilege, educate them to combat injustice respectfully while they are surrounded by the most appalling behavior from leaders, and lastly, you will teach them the importance of voting, the government, and how our personal lives can be drastically impacted by selfishness and greed. It's a big job, but you're up for it. In closing enjoy your 30s. They're some of the sweetest years of your life. Also, don't be afraid to throw Clinton a $50 or two here and there.
Love,
Your 41 year-old self.
There it is, kids. My letter to myself. There is no way, even with this letter, that I would believe what 2020 would bring. I wouldn't have believed it three months ago. Ultimately I know you won't forget it.
Love,
Mom.
Love,
Mom.
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