Yesterday I was at the store and saw a magazine that stated that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise were having a custody battle over Suri (their daughter). I was surprised to learn that they had broken up. Last I had heard Tom Cruise was crazy about her and jumping on Oprah's couch to prove it. Today I told Grandma Halter about my discovery about Tom and Katie and she laughed saying, "I think they split about five years ago."
I didn't know! I couldn't help it. I've been in the baby years. Super Aunt Becky and I used to go to the pool. A lot. One time we were chatting about something (oddly I remember it was Princess Diana's death). Super Aunt Becky made the comment that she didn't really remember that because she had a baby that year. I laughed and said something like, "Those were my college years and I still remember!" I remember this conversation because for a long time when I couldn't remember something I would blame it on happening during my college years. You'll understand that some day. So it has happened that I am coming out of my baby years. Just three short years and I'm out. I haven't been to a sit-down restaurant fewer times than I have fingers on one hand. If I'm not at work chances are pretty good that I am at home and in sweatpants. I am no longer afraid of puke. I can change a diaper faster than you would ever have to. I am an expert at folding mini-clothes and matching mini-socks. I can't remember the last time I went to a movie in the theater and I don't know any pop music. Aside from Baby Waider's two favorites, All About the Base and Shake it Off. I never watch the news anymore and rarely know of any current events that are not discussed on Facebook. I've been in full on baby mode.
Over Christmas break I was reflecting upon the fact that I had had many productive days in a row. Not only that but I felt...RESTED! I took awhile for me to figure it out, but rested was something I hadn't felt in awhile. Then, we went to work in the basement. We wanted to get the baby stuff together to collect for our giant rummage sale. I came upon a hoard of formula containers and I instantly started to bawl. Your dad, who is used to my sudden outbursts of crying, asked what happened. I replied, "My baby years are over!"
Everyone in our house now feeds themselves. Everyone can walk and even run. No one needs formula. We have had several family dinners where we ALL FOUR sit down to eat dinner and no one has a melt down. Not every night, but some nights! We have a standard bedtime and that is by 7:45PM. No one is up until 6:00AM. On the weekends we sleep in. Three-fourths of us use the potty for poop and pee (YESSSS!!). Three-fourths of us do not need a bottle or pacifier anymore. If we were to stop being lazy we could probably all be drinking out of a glass or sippy cup. Nearly everyone can express what they want. (Little brother gets better everyday!) In our basement we now have a mountain of strollers, walkers, a rock-n-play, mini bath tubs, and a bumpo. We boxed up rattles since they were only used to throw at the dog and cats. I reluctantly reduced the swaddle blanket inventory. Tiny sleepers are long gone. Nearly everyone can have a blanket in bed. All of these items that only four years ago we began carefully collecting are worthless to us now. These things were mission critical for a short time. Now chances are I will never need them again.
I've gone back and forth with the loss of the baby years. Part of me has loved quiet (sort of) nights at home cuddling on the couch. I loved my little babies who would lay on the floor in one place and quietly play with toys. The cuddles were priceless. All good things, but as your dad said the other day, "The first year of life is miserable." Don't get me wrong both of us LOVE babies. Especially our babies. It was such a special time. But, there is a certain satisfaction in knowing that we can grab my purse with a few diapers and wipes, a couple of snacks and be on our way. Both of you nap at the same time. Things are just simpler now. The nights pacing the hallway trying to soothe an inconsolable baby are past. The swaddling and shushing are done. We don't have to worry about the sheer panic you feel when you go to bed not knowing how long it will be until you are summonsed to the room next door to meet some unknown request. I am no longer a human feeding machine every hour. Diaper changes are longer than 40 minutes apart, we don't have to make 1,000 bottles a day. We no longer have to shovel every last morsel into little mouths while waiting for it to come back at us. The guessing game of what will make the child stop crying is significantly reduced.
Before the St. Nick's party Grandma Halter was over. Little Brother was running around and playing, and we were laughing at him. I said, "He's not a baby anymore." Then while we both looked at him it was if Grandma read my mind. She said, "It's okay if you don't miss him being a baby." I've referred back to that. I don't miss babies. I LOVE toddlers. They crack me up everyday. They dance and giggle, and seem to just get better with age.
I remember being pregnant with Little Brother. No secret. I am the WORST at being pregnant. I'm a wimp, tired, annoyed, hot, crabby, and all around just not good at it. But I really felt like I had a job. I was completing our family so that we could all four start the journey of the rest of our life. I was terrified to have two kids so close together. Paralyzed with fear. But now it is going to be the four of us from here on out doing everything together. Very little happened as a family of three which is fortunate. Our family is complete and we are all mobile enough to really get started making some memories.
While I sound happy to be done with my baby years I would be a complete phony to not acknowledge that I will always mourn the loss of my baby years. Life is full of different stages, but by far the fastest stage for me was the baby years. Which seems unfair. I had to endure high school for four years, but my baby years were a short three years. Not only that but I spent my baby years in a fog doing nothing well. Much of it I do not remember. Thank goodness I did this blog and took thousands of pictures or I would know nothing.
If you ever notice when a mom enters anywhere with an infant, women, in particular, flock to her. They hold the baby and immediately fall into a bouncing/shushing rhythm that seems all too familiar. They ultimately look longingly at the little baby and make weird voices and faces. I used to think that was so weird before I had kids. Completely foreign, but now I get it. Instantly we are taken back to a moment in time that went by too quickly. Instantly we remember our little treasures when they were that size. So it is that my baby years are over. We are in the thick of the toddler years. Someday they will be past. Right now that feels unbearable, but maybe by the time that comes I'll be ready. Lord help us when we enter the teenage years. We will have two teenagers at once. YIKES!!
From here on out I will reflect upon my baby years as I reflect upon my college years. They were lots of fun, too many late nights, not enough sleep, I worked my butt off, and most definitely this body could not handle going through them again.
Love,
Mama
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