The past week is a blur. It is no wonder that I spent all day yesterday sleeping, watching Hotel Impossible, with a horrible sore throat. This past week was Parent Teacher Conferences. I've always had a love/hate relationship with P/T Conferences. Often I have good news to share. "Your child is on track and a wonderful student!I really enjoy him/her." Sometimes, not so good. "Your child is not progressing as well as they should. I believe we need to further investigate your child's progress." Sometimes, I tell parents things that are not a surprise. "Your child is pretty chatty. I really enjoy them, but I feel they would be more successful if they learned when it is appropriate to talk and try to make other students laugh." As a teacher we have tough conversations with parents. But somehow becoming a mom has made them so much easier.
During the first 12 years of teaching I heard over and over and over, "When you are a parent you will understand." It would sting. Not because I couldn't have children, but because I didn't think it had anything to do with me being a good teacher. Knowing that some teachers CAN'T have children, and knowing that they could hear this from parents really kills me. This always strikes me when I am doing P/T conferences. Like now I don't have to wait to cringe when someone tells me this after I drop a bombshell on them about their darling. Somehow after being a parent for three years I have more credibility than a teacher with 12 years of experience? Because I have a child of my own I will dismiss poor behavior or inadequate parental support to their children? Now that I have children of my own I somehow will be softer, kinder, and gentler? I am none of those things.
What REALLY happened when I became a mom
My expectations for students have not changed one bit. I still have the same requirements of my students and the parents in my classroom. If anything now, my expectations are higher. I demand more from myself because I know how crucial it is that we have high quality teachers. When I tell parents something I make sure that I tell them in the most honest way possible. They deserve the truth because if they really care, which I believe most do, they want their kids to be the best that they can. I also want to be sure that parents are very clear as to how they can help their child. I went to a parent screening two years ago with Baby Waider. I was terrified. What was this screener going to say about my child? Was she on track? Behind? Immediately I understood what I had been doing to parents for the past twelve years. Causing them to be anxiety ridden, self-critical, and terrified about their parenting skills. The screener had dealt with my type before. Teacher with a mental checklist of all the milestones my daughter should have met. She didn't meet them all (which was horrifying!). Thankfully, she had lots of great tips for us to try with her! Learning how to better help her was invigorating. I loved any little tip that they could give. I soak it up when I find an idea on Pinterest or grandma has something that we need to work on. So I know now more than ever when someone wants ways to help their kids they probably really do want to help their kids. They also need to be taught HOW to help their child.
What really did change was the fact that I KNOW how hard it is to be a mom. Like really, really hard. No matter the parent (and I've met some really interesting ones) we all have something in common that crosses economic differences, racial differences, and education differences. We love our kids more than anything in this world.
This year I was wanting to acknowledge to parents that I know they are doing a really hard job. We went to a motivational speaker. (Someday you will get to experience the JOY ~sarcasm~ of going to a motivational speaker) This one was actually pretty good. He got me thinking about acknowledging what people do well and sincerely telling them what they do that is good. This time at conferences I told all of the parents 1. That they are doing a good job. 2. They are doing a hard job, and I appreciate what they are doing. 3. Their kid is a good kid. Many eyes filled with tears and one mom cried. I totally got it. Being a mom is so hard and you really never hear you are doing a good job. Especially by someone who spends time with your kid. Part of me felt like I might be telling not so good moms that they were doing a good job when they could do better. Facts are, I do believe that parents do the best they can with what they have. Everyone has a different skill set and a different level of ability when it comes to being a parent. I really do believe that 99% of parents are doing all they can for their kids. By acknowledging that I knew they were doing a hard job and doing the best that they could I communicated much better to them about their child. Also, I know that many parents have never heard that their kid is a good kid. I do believe that every kid is a good kid.
For years I would immediately resent any person who uttered the words, "When you have kids you will understand." Those words disgust me no less than they did 12 years ago. But now I get that people have more credibility when dealing with someone who has been in their shoes. It takes a certain amount of love to stay up all night with someone who is screaming uncontrollably. When you have a baby you are forever changed. You love that little person greater than you thought you could love. So when I tell parents something tough for them to hear I know that I am about to tell them something about the person they love more than anything. Which might really hurt them. I would not have understood that hurt before now.
I use a Venn Diagram at school to help kids understand how to compare and contrast things.
On one side of this would be parents, the other side teachers, and in the center those who are both. Now that I'm in the center I want parents and teachers to both know a few things.
First, teachers care about your child. They do not love them to same way, but they do deeply care. They cry about your child, they want your child to be safe and successful. They want you to do what is best for them. They want to do what is best for them. That's all. It has nothing to do with them being a parent or not. They don't want to hear excuses no matter what. They want you to take action and take what they say seriously. They are not telling you that you are a bad parent because there is a problem with your child. Telling them that they will understand more when they have kids of their own is counter productive. People can't understand what they haven't experienced. Not only that, but with the number of teachers I know who CAN'T have kids it's just too dangerous.
Next, parents put their heart and soul into their children. Most every thought they have is about their children, their well being, progress, hopes, dreams, talents, and abilities. They are in a certain amount of denial about their children because they love them and sometimes love is blind. Sometimes parents don't follow through because they are tired and it is hard to follow through. Even-though we aren't supposed to want our kids to like us we do want them to like us. Especially after working long hours. Parents hate taking advice from people who don't have children. Because being a parent is the hardest job there is. You really don't know until you've been there. So what they mean when they say, "You will understand when you have kids some day," is, "when you stay up with someone countless nights bouncing them while walking up and down the hallway you sort of love them. A lot. When someone comes into this world from your insides you tend to get a little defensive of them and for them. So that might be why I'm flaring up a little right now."
After writing this post I just realized that it is really a personal reflection that may not ever pertain to either of you. You may choose to not be a parent or a teacher. But maybe it's more about perspective. No matter who you meet they will have a different perspective than you. It may be good or bad. Take advice as it comes. If it is good keep it, if it is poor advice then ditch it. But know that sometimes even if someone has no understanding of you or your perspective they may still have pertinent advice and something good to offer you.
UPDATES
Little brother is starting to be more verbal!!
He says:
Mike!
Joe!
Mine!
Dad!
Grandpa (sort of)
Kitty
Mia
Bye
Hi
Mama (my favorite)
He also says something for paci but it cannot be put into words.
Baby Waider is HILARIOUS. She's full of one-liners and keeps us in stitches. She still loves monster trucks, batman, dinosaurs, and her newer love Spikey the frog.
As for activities we have been very lucky this winter! It has been very warm. We went ice fishing as a family and had a blast. Baby Waider and dad have been ice fishing a bunch. We have been to the park several times to play along with taking many walks and playing outside.
Hopefully this wasn't too detached and rambling. If it is blame it on the Dayquil.
Love,
Mama
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