Time to Admit Defeat

Dear Baby Waider + Little Brother Too,

As the days of 2020 drag on I keep thinking the same thing over and over again. We are living through history. We will learn from this. We will come out better. Those are uniquely American thoughts and outlooks. I have come out of the past 9 months jaded, frustrated, defeated, and disappointed. Along with all of these feelings I also feel an incredible sense of rejection from my school district, city, and state. I've always felt pretty alienated. A blue dot in a sea of red. Reading my blog long before this one you know that if nothing else my life is just a series of connections that I make. Today I am channeling Baby from the Movie "Dirty Dancing." You will have seen that movie with me because it is my favorite. It is not entirely appropriate for tweens, but that's when I saw it and look at how I turned out? Anyway, the quote "You were right, Johnny, you can't win no matter what you do." A defeated Baby is responding to Johnny because she had tried all along to help various problematic situations. This quote is the culmination of her working her butt off to help people, but in the end  she isn't really able to make that much of an impact. She's defeated.

I feel like I have been one of the many "Chicken Littles" in our state. Instead of saying, "The sky is falling!" I've been saying, "We need masks or this spread will be out of control. We need lockdowns! We need to stay home. We need to reduce capacity in stores, restaurants, and bars. We need to extend our school breaks to provide adequate time to quarantine before and after families get together for the holidays." I have written letters, made phone calls, and public posts on Twitter and Facebook. The same thing has happened time and time again. Some agree, some disagree, and the people who are indifferent ultimately listen to the LOUD minority that is in favor of money over people. 

This has been a stark reminder of the fact that I am a ridiculously privileged person. I can tell this is the truth by how deeply disappointed I am in how I'm being treated by so many elected officials, business owners, and positions of authority. This morning I recognized how similar I am to Baby. Don't worry everyone. I never conned my dad into paying for someone else's abortion. The traits I do share with her is the belief that I can help solve problems. I am a hard worker, but I also have my race and social class working for me. It was easy for me to buy a house or anything else I wanted to. I went to a high-quality school because my parents paid for me to get a stellar education. College was a breeze for me because I won scholarships and my rigorous high school made it simple to complete my college work and also college work for others. (That's a story for another day.) My point in saying this is that I don't take no for an answer. I've tried to be the type of person who helps out when I can. I don't pretend to think that I make a huge impact, but little by little I'd like to think that I make small differences for people who matter to me. Just like Baby. I wonder if she ever did go to Peace Corps?

This past summer I dedicated my life to making schools and communities safe during COVID. I thought through my union work, contacting school officials and boards, contacting the governor and state legislators, begging the Rapid City Council to deliver a mask mandate, and even networking with other moms who felt the same way I did would make it so we could go back to school safely. I urged Sturgis City Council members to stop the Rally from coming. I wrote countless letters to my own school board to adjust the back to school plan for safety. I listened to HOURS upon HOURS of zoom city meetings, school board meetings, legislative hearings, and union meetings. I gave input to everyone who would listen and I forced input on those who refused to listen. I was taught early on by your grandparents that if you don't like something you work to change it. You put your mind to it and you do something about it. I've staunchly lived this value my whole life. I have always been one to take on a cause and make something happen. I am persuasive and I am relentless. I don't take no for an answer. 

But...for the first time in my life I am met with...adversity. I'm being ignored, passed over, and completely disregarded. I'm not alone. I am with an entire group of people in this state and country that are experiencing the same thing. Retrospectively I see that I was either yelling into an echo chamber where people felt the same way I did or I was yelling into a vacuum where my voice was muffled long before it got to anyone's ears who disagreed with my feelings. Today I realize that what I've experienced during the past nine months is what people of color and women have been experiencing for decades. It's entirely frustrating and exhausting. 

This morning I am deeply regretful for all of the hours I essentially wasted this summer trying to make a difference where there was absolutely no chance I was going to make a difference. No matter how many letters I wrote, no matter how many phone calls or facebook posts I made I wasn't going to make things any safer for anyone. If I could go back to myself in June I would tell myself to admit defeat much earlier than I did. I want to tell that woman to enjoy every second you have where you are living in a safe bubble because those days are limited. I want to tell her to let go of the notion that when the pandemic is raging in South Dakota you will be safe at home because someone, anyone would step in long before 2,000 new cases would be added per day. Someone would stop this madness long before 1,000 South Dakotans would die. I would tell myself that I needed to prepare to know multiple people who would contract this virus, die from this virus, and ultimately recover from this virus. I would also tell myself that I would love being back in school with the students. In many ways it is like we've never left. We're doing lots of the same things we've always done only now it is with masks on and the dull thought in the back of our minds that people we know and love are battling this virus as we live our lives like there isn't a pandemic. I had no idea back in June that our community would become so callous and obstinate against science. I thought that elected officials and administrators would have our safety and best interest in mind, but time and time again that does not seem to be the case.  Jump ship. Quit trying. It doesn't matter. Enjoy your summer and quit trying to make anyone believe that we need mitigations because as I type this today I know it's only going to get worse. 

A good number of people here still aren't taking this seriously. The advice of the White House Corona  Virus Taskforce has advised that people in our state constantly mask when indoors. We are not to gather in large groups and capacity of indoor places like bars and restaurants. We have not adopted any of those recommendations formally because of our "freedoms" here. Our governor went to the NFR in Texas this weekend to shout into her echo chamber about how successful she's been at preserving our freedom here in South Dakota and having such low numbers of virus and deaths. What her echo chamber does not probably know is per capita. South Dakota has one of the smallest populations in the country. Comparatively we have some of the highest deaths and infection rates in the country. To compare you can look at Vermont. Similar population to South Dakota. They rely on tourism, animal products, and farming for their economy. (Note they also have a strong manufacturing faction as well which we are lacking.) Vermont has had 4,894 TOTAL COVID cases and 79 Deaths TOTAL. South Dakota has 14.43 times more infections at 85,304 TOTAL COVID Cases and 13.81 times more deaths at 1,091 deaths TOTAL. Today Vermont has 22 people in their hospitals in their entire state. Of that number 4 are in the ICU. Today South Dakota will celebrate that hospitalizations are down because we have ONLY 512 people in the hospital. That's down from what has been closer to or over 600 people. I can't keep track anymore what the records are anymore. The reason our hospitalizations decrease is we have between 30-53 deaths almost daily. Today we have 110 people across the state in the ICU. So while there are 4 families in Vermont sitting on pins and needles while their loved ones battle for their life like never before there are 110 families in that position in SD today. That's 27.5 times more than our Vermont friends are experiencing. Twenty-two Vermont families have loved ones who aren't with them enjoying Christmas decorations and are likely alone in the hospital. SD has 512. If you like math like me that's 23.27 times more families suffering in our state.  Meanwhile our governor is in the public eye, speaking to her base, and celebrating HER version of freedom. We live in a military community so we often see or hear the quote, "All give some, some give all." That's in reference to the military protecting our freedom. That's also the sad case here when describing how we are handling COVID. Some have literally died protecting what some view as their freedom to go out, not mask, and gather with family and large groups. 

The White House Coronavirus Taskforce says  that schools are not a source of spreading this virus. That has stuck with me all weekend. While I agree that it isn't as prevalent as my personal prediction was in August the number of children infected in our state is stark. On Friday it was 12,160. Ages 0-19. For those who love math that's 2.48 times more than the TOTAL infections that Vermont has. Also, its 946.46% increase since August 4th. That's just in South Dakota. I don't know how many children ages 0-19 have been infected in Vermont. It's probably because in the past 9 months they've had as many total cases as SD has in four days. It's also interesting to note that the most students in Vermont are partially or fully remote learning. They are having an increase of 120 cases per day, the same amount Pennington County has in one day in SD and we mostly have in person learning, full time, face to face. Stark differences in mitigation and leadership. Much different results and preservation of life. 

My heart aches because I partially feel like I didn't do enough for the people who have been sick, died, or lost loved ones. I should have tried to do more to protect the people who will still become infected.  I also feel like I probably made it worse by constantly asking for more protections which ultimately emboldened my opposition. This post sounds like I'm asking for sympathy and pity which is absolutely not my intent. I just want the both of you to know that I tried my ass off to make this better than it turned out. It just didn't work. When the people of 2120 ask what was done during this time, I want you both to know that your family really did try to make it better.

The rest of the conversation between Johnny and Baby went like this:

Baby: So I did it for nothing. I hurt my family, you lost your job anyway! I did it for nothing!

Johnny: No, not for nothing, Baby! Nobody has ever done anything like that for me before!

Baby: You were right, Johnny, you can't win no matter what you do!

Johnny: You listen to me; I don't want to hear that from you, you can!

I can't help but be a little inspired by Johnny Castle this morning because from all of these hours I spent advocating and fighting I've also met some really cool people. I've connected with like-minded South Dakotans that exist in numbers I never thought possible. I am not safe by any means, but I am in agreement some pretty great people. We may not win this fight, but with the network I'm now a part of we might be able to win some we couldn't have before. Baby did not change the negative opinions and disrespect directed towards the hard-working, blue-collar dancers who worked at Kellerman's Resort. The rich patrons there never saw past themselves to see the people behind the "entertainment staff." She did make a difference to Johnny. I'd like to think that she possibly changed his life? Made him believe in himself? Maybe he went on to pursue an acting career?  I think I need to acknowledge while I didn't change minds of large groups of people I did make impacts that are not as easily recognizable...Engaged other teachers or citizens to contact elected officials. Made others aware and got them to pay attention! Your dad was talking to me after I gave him the summary of my blog and said something that made a lot of sense. You don't know the impact you made. You will never know how bad it would have been if you did nothing. 

I refused to see a bright side in any of this. I've lost friends, respect for a great deal of people in leadership positions, and respect for so many people in my community. I've also seen resilience, camaraderie, and a coming together where we do the best we can to take care of those we love and those around us. I've seen incredibly inspiring members of our City Council speak out in ways I'd never imagine people in Rapid City could do. Some day I could do the same. I wear a mask and so do almost all of my colleagues at school. The vast majority of the students wear masks when we are in major traffic areas and we have done all we can to help out and check in on our friends who are sick. I've tried to give money to those in need. My love for those in in my life is more fierce than it has ever been and the time that I've had with my little family of four, staying home, doing everything together, without the distractions of activities has been invaluable. I think that's why I wish I would have just stayed in the moment during the summer of 2020. Not worried about the future because worrying about it didn't change one damn thing. It just made me stressed, salty, and distracted. 

In addition to all of these conflicting and difficult emotions I also feel incredibly grateful to have a job I still love, a home, a healthy family, an employed husband, a second job, and the resources to provide for all of the items listed above. Second-graders as always provide a great deal of laughter, perspective, and love. Them and my coworkers have been so invaluable these past few months as well. 

I can't help but visualize that when this is all over (whatever that even looks like) maybe there will be a dance performance where I emerge as a secretly amazing dirty dancer. I will have just mastered doing "the lift," a difficult dance move that my insecurities have previously inhibited my ability to complete this complex move. It could happen?

I am sorry for not being as present as I would have liked over the summer.  Now, we are at the holidays. I am going to vow to stop obsessing over how to change this situation.  I will admit defeat, wear my mask, stay out of public, and wait for a vaccine, because honestly, I'm not sure what else I can do. 

Love always, 

Mommio

P.S. Links to where I want to make my new home: Vermont! 

https://education.vermont.gov/news/covid-19-guidance-vermont-schools/reopening-status-of-vermont-public-schools

https://www.healthvermont.gov/covid-19/current-activity/vermont-dashboard