<p>Dear Baby Waider, </p>
<p>I'm scared of many things. Among them is giving birth. It ranks right up there with birds. The mere thought of it makes me very queasy. I could never watch the end of The Baby Story on TLC. I've never ever wanted to be in any delivery room ever, and I don't even like to think about what happens in a delivery room... I've seen clips on 16 and pregnant and it doesn't look pretty. I've always thought the whole process is...well... creepy. Many people would say it's not nice to refer to the birth of a child as creepy, but chances are you'll think it is creepy someday too. Plus the whole pain aspect. I won't even go into that...
Anyway despite the fact that I would have rather go into this whole situation completely blind we went to child birthing classes. And we arrived about 15 minutes late. Being late to childbirth class means you have to sit way up front and in the center, by the very skinny 23 year old wearing the prada shoes, carrying a prada purse, and was with her MUCH older husband. Sitting up front was a little embarrassing because I had to be the nurse's volunteer a couple of times. Not only that, but your mom was wearing sweats, and may have looked more homeless than your dad. The worst part about sitting up front was being in the front row for the VIDEO! The horrible 1990's video showing actual births. Here's a tip from your mom. When watching a video you can tell how old the video is based upon the hair and glasses. I think there were some mullets in a few scenes and some of the glassed looked like they were borrowed from Sally Jesse Raphael. Anyway. I stared at the screen, thinking the entire time, no way, I'm not doing that... I scanned the rest of the audience. Prada next to me looked pretty terrified. The young, young mom next to us was texting through the whole thing, but mostly the room was silent with lots of wide eyes.
I could have died never seeing that video and I would be no worse off. Images are still etched in my brain. Nonetheless I saw it and I am somewhat educated. Then they taught us some breathing and relaxation tips. I'm not sure how the relaxing will go, but I'll sure try. That's how I found out the shoes were prada. She took them off during breathing. For now my birthing plan is to download a bunch of full seasons of The Real Housewives and watch them all in their entirity. Hopefully that'll keep my mind off of my troubles. If that doesn't work....well, then I'm not sure.
The good news is that when it is all done I'll get a big prize! I'll get to meet you. The squirmy thing That's been chillin' in my belly and making me really hot while expanding my feet two whole sizes. I've always been good at accomplishing tasks with an incentive at the end. So, fear not, baby waider, when you give us the sign I'll push you out like a champ. No matter how terrifying the video was... and no matter how much it hurts.
Love,
Mom
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